Success Stories

The below are true stories of men who are in successful recovery from pornography and sexual addiction. (Gary) molested children. You may find in these stories some similarities to your own story – or to that of someone you love. We hope these real-life accounts will inspire and challenge you to find healing in your own life.

Gary
My struggle with pornography, compulsive masturbation and sexual addiction began early. As a young teen, I sexually abused a younger sister. When 17, I sexually abused a young girl my mom was babysitting. From early on, my life was out of control.

I realize now that I used my sexual addiction to bury feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, inferiority and feeling unlovable. I isolated myself from others because I greatly feared rejection. So I learned how to use my addiction to feel “loved,” comforted, energized, in control and like a real man. While acting out I lived in an unreal, fantasy world. Women did not reject me there; they always did what I wanted.

Soon after acting out I would realize that it didn’t make me feel happy and loved like I thought it would. The pain and reality of my life would creep back up. I could see that what I was doing was wrong – and I felt much guilt and shame. I would go through a period of remorse, promising to myself that I would never do it again.

But in the wicked cycle of this addiction and my own denial, I would return to believing that acting out would make me feel better. Instead of facing my pain and hurt in a healthy way, I resorted to acting out sexually. Instead of trying to connect with others in a healthy way, I isolated and lived in my fantasy world. Rather than admit and face my painful fears, I buried them deeper and deeper.

I became two people. On the outside I strived to look as if I had my act together, without any worries. I became a workaholic and people pleaser. But on the inside I was full of worries, fears, doubts and inadequacies. I feared that if people got to know the real me they wouldn’t like me. This was because I felt I wasn’t a lovable person – that nobody could love the real me, not even God Himself. So I resorted to my addiction to cope with all this.

This double-life took a heavy toll. I felt like I was being ripped apart by the seams. Often I felt like I was living in some kind of hell. I would try to stop this infernal thing, but I always failed. I got very angry at myself for not being able to stop.

It wasn’t until I sexually abused my own daughter that the reality of what I was doing started to really sink in deep. How could I do this insane perverse thing to my own precious daughter? Something must be wrong. I needed help. Also, I was convicted of a felony and given probation. That finally cracked my denial enough for me to ask for help.

I’ve come to realize that denial is not being able or willing to see our actions for what they really are. Denial is discounting the magnitude of what we are doing. After two years of intensive healing I’m still coming out of denial. It’s one layer at a time. As each layer comes off I’m able to have more empathy for my victims and more healing for myself.

After my abuse of my daughter, I began seeing a professional Christian counselor. He advised me to also find a men’s sexual addiction group, where it would be safe for me to be honest.

I found a good group, but it was very hard to show up. Nevertheless, I determined to go, no matter how I felt – and I also determined to be honest even though that was extremely hard. The meetings stirred up a lot of shame, guilt, anger, frustration and other negative emotions. But I realized that the things I had buried were starting to come back up. I had to face them to be healed.

I found that being honest broke my addiction very slowly. I also noticed that the group accepted me even though I was sharing who I really was. I began to feel loved by these men. The big lie that no one would like me if they really knew me was being broken as I shared more with safe people.

I also found a huge turning point when I surrendered my whole life and will to God. This is the third step of the Twelve Step program that A.A. uses. I now realize that though I considered myself a Christian my entire adult life, I had never surrendered my life to God. I didn’t trust God. I didn’t believe that He really loved me. I felt He was off somewhere in the universe and didn’t really care how I felt.

But I came to realize that God is more than willing to forgive me. He has more grace and love than I can even imagine. Giving my life over to Him was so freeing. It’s ironic that surrender leads to true freedom. I find that as I surrender my addiction and everything to God that I don’t find myself trying with all my might to stop some temptations from taking over my whole being. Now I surrender it, then go on to positive healing things. He gives me the ability to do that.

Also, my relationship with God and understanding His grace has greatly diminished my shame. As I talk to others about things I’ve done, I feel more empathy for my victims, but at the same time don’t have a ton of shame covering me.

My purpose for writing this testimony is to hopefully encourage others who struggle with similar things. I hope you can see there is true hope for healing from the horrible pain and real hell than any addiction creates. I hope you can be willing to reach out for help. Recovery is hard, but it’s worth it.

Fred
As a child, I continually tried to gain the approval of my dad – who was very controlling and perfectionistic. It didn’t matter whether I was mowing the lawn, loading the dishwasher, vacuuming the carpeting, washing the car, pruning trees, shoveling snow, or participating in sports. It just wasn’t done well enough for dad.

As a result, I felt completely inadequate. I felt unable to measure up to the expectations of others. When I was 14, I started smoking marijuana, finding I could feel better about myself by escaping into the world of drugs. The more I smoked, the less I felt inadequate. I could make myself feel good by escaping from reality.

Then someone introduced me to the world of pornography. I thought I had gone to heaven – especially when I discovered my dad’s porn collection. To avoid being caught, I hid in my room, my fort in the woods, or anywhere I could, just to look at pictures of naked bodies. That was around the time I also discovered masturbation.

Through my college years, the sexual adventures progressed into a sport. To meet women and get them into bed was incredibly rewarding. I felt accepted, powerful, and worthwhile. Most of all, I was able to escape the bad feelings related to poor grades and constant pressure from my parents to do better academically. The more sex I had, the better I felt about myself….I thought!

Unfortunately, my sexual activity progressed into involvement with hard core pornography, adult bookstores, strip clubs, adult video theatres, compulsive masturbation, and non-therapeutic massage businesses. I lived for the next sexual hit. If I hadn’t had some sort of sexually stimulating activity in a couple of days, I was out looking for something…..Anything!

During that time, I met a wonderful woman, whom I married just after graduation from college. I figured that I was going to settle down and be a one-woman man. But though our sex life was excellent, I felt I needed more. I simply couldn’t stop. Over the first 11 years of marriage, I habitually lied to cover up for where I had been. Every few years, my lies would catch up with me and I would get caught. I claimed I was just overly sexual.

With one crisis after another, I was rapidly losing control of my life. Then my acting out led to disaster. My boss told me that my employment was terminated effective immediately. I was devastated. But that was only the beginning. When I arrived home to tell my wife that I had lost my job, she asked me why the police had left a message to call them. My heart was in my throat!

I knew this wasn’t good. When I responded to the call, I had been busted for exposing myself to a girl in a hotel. Little did I know that her boyfriend was a policeman. The next several weeks were a living hell. I figured, finally, that I might need some help. My introduction to a twelve-step program of recovery from sex addiction had begun.

I’ve spent the past nine years getting to know myself and understanding why I have exhibited the sexual behaviors that made my life so unmanageable. I now know that I am completely powerless over my sex addiction and that only through a relationship with God and continual application of the twelve steps in all areas of my life, will I be able to find true peace, joy, and happiness.

With the help of many other recovering addicts, my therapist, and acknowledgment of my successes and failures, I have gained the ability to avoid things that seemed to offer pleasure but actually resulted in incredible pain. I work daily on my recovery program and incorporate honesty, empathy, patience, forgiveness and gratitude into all of my affairs. The combination of reading and applying 12-step literature, making daily phone calls to other fellows in the program, journaling my feelings, spending time in prayer and meditation, and attending two meetings a week, for me, seems to be the only way to break free from the grip of sex addiction.

Fortunately, healing has come about in the physical, emotional and spiritual areas. My recovery is a continuing process and I now have something to give back to others. Through my spiritual awakening, I can finally give back to others the things that others have given so unselfishly to me. I can now lift up my head and look the world in the eye and stand free. What an incredible gift it is!

Jody
I’m a 46 year old professional man with three children. For over thirty years I was addicted to the use of pornography. I’m now in recovery and haven’t viewed pornography or “acted out” otherwise for three years.

Sadly, I suffered severe consequences as a result of my porn addiction. It began when I was moving through an unwanted job change, dealing with a strained marital relationship, and grieving the loss of my dad. How did I respond? I returned to an old friend for relief – pornography. The sedating effect from hours of immersion in porn numbed out my pain. But my life-long addiction came to light and my wife and children discovered my dark secret.

This discovery became the straw that broke the camel’s back in my marriage. As a result, my addiction cost me my marriage, my cherished role as an everyday daddy to my daughter, job opportunities in the field of my calling and choice, legal problems resulting in many thousands of dollars in fees, retirement income, loss of friendships, and loss of credibility and trust in the eyes of some. I’ve felt the stinging backhanded blow of professional peers and the abandonment of many alleged friends. The pain at times has been crushing. My anger toward pornography is intense: it cost me all this and more.

In addition to these external consequences, pornography addiction caused me to suffer a deep and permeating sense of shame and guilt. My life of duplicity kept me in inner turmoil. Porn thwarted my development of appropriate relational and coping skills. Because of chronic pornography use I became detached, preferring the fantasy of the unreal to the intimacy of a genuine relationship.

Happily, after hitting bottom, I was able to recover. How? I was not strong enough to win the battle alone. I needed the help of God, friends, and professionals. Though I will live the rest of my life with scars and wounds from pornography use, I’ve come to a far better place, one without pornography. I can say that “God’s grace to me was not without effect” (1 Cor. 15:10). May my life paint a portrait of hope for all who struggle.