Getting Help

Many people who use child porn are addicted to it. (Click on Porn Addiction above for information and a self-assessment quiz). But whether addicted to it or not, they need help. The use of child porn is illegal, damaging to children, and harmful to users and their families (see What’s the Harm?)

Unfortunately, users of child pornography usually seek help only when they’ve suffered significant consequences. These may include divorce, job loss, or problems with the law. But consequences have a good side. They can break denial and turn a child porn user’s mind toward change. Below are twelve updated steps of recovery, geared specifically toward those addicted to child pornography. They incorporate the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) and other recovery groups - but they also include additional wisdom that has become evident in the nearly 70 years since the original twelve steps were written. They can help any user of child porn, whether or not they are a true addict. For convenience, the terms “addict” and “addiction” refer here to anyone who has used child porn and been unable to quit that use on their own.

The first step to getting free of the use of child pornography is to ACKNOWLEDGE THE PRESENCE OF A SERIOUS PROBLEM (A.A. step #1). As noted, the child porn user often fails to face reality before dire consequences occur. Denial is a strong force. However, two things characterize addiction to pornography or anything else. The first is “powerlessness.” This means that the user is unable to stop, completely and forever, from doing or consuming something that is unhealthy for them and others. The second is “unmanageability.” That includes such things as spending hours with porn when you could be with family or friends. It means losing needed sleep, letting job performance suffer, taking serious risks, neglecting intimacy with your wife, violating your own ethical standards, or getting into legal trouble.

The second step in recovery is to ACCEPT THAT HELP IS NEEDED AND SURRENDER TO THE HELP OF GOD AND OTHERS (A.A. steps #2-3). Most people who are addicted to pornography cling to the notion that, somehow, despite all their past failures to quit, they can recover on their own. This is a delusion. The power of sexual compulsivity is so strong that recovery requires the help of God and others. Sadly, most porn addicts have trouble trusting others. It’s only when they experience unconditional love and acceptance that they can open up for help. That’s why it’s important for addicts to attend support group meetings even before accepting that they’ll help. These support groups help the recovering person find a “sponsor” and obtain needed wisdom, support, guidance and accountability. For a list of Twelve-Step organizations devoted to recovery from sexual compulsivity and addiction, click here.

The third step is to ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR PERSONAL ACTIONS, “COME CLEAN,” AND COMMIT TO RECOVERY (A.A. steps 4-10). Addicts who blame all their actions and faults on others will never get better. An addict isn’t responsible for having a dysfunctional family or for suffering childhood abuse. He isn’t accountable for being highly susceptible to sexual addiction. But he is responsible for his actions and his recovery. He must fully acknowledge and admit his behaviors and their destructive results. In other words, he must totally break out of “denial.” And he must take recovery seriously, making it a top priority in his life.

The fourth step is to BE ACCOUNTABLE TO OTHERS. This refers to daily or at least weekly honesty with at least one other person regarding thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. A person who helps someone to be accountable, helping him through the recovery process, is usually called a “sponsor.” Please note that a sponsor should not be someone’s spouse or a person of the opposite sex! They should be either a qualified counselor or someone in solid recovery from an addiction, ideally the same addiction(s) the addict suffers from. A good small group can also provide needed accountability.

The fifth step is to DEVELOP PROPER CONNECTEDNESS WITH HEALTHY PEOPLE OF ONE’S OWN AGE. Child pornography addicts often feel uncomfortable around others. Such discomfort may stem from inner feelings of shame or inadequacy - even when the person appears, externally, to “have it all together.” A vital part of recovery, especially for child porn addicts, is unlearning toxic beliefs that have harmed their abilities to form and enjoy healthy relationships. New, healthy, and nonsexual relationship skills need to be learned and practiced. A support or therapy group can promote such needed changes.

The six step is to GET PROPER PROFESSIONAL HELP. Anyone attracted to child pornography needs professional counseling and help. In many cases, childhood and other issues need to be addressed. Faulty beliefs and thinking must be identified and corrected. In addition, emotional and physical disorders may be present. Depression, for example, afflicts many pornography addicts. For a list of therapist resources click here.

The seventh step is to MAINTAIN SEXUAL SOBRIETY REGARDING BOTH ACTIONS AND FANTASIES. It’s impossible to fully recover when one is still acting out. Think of pornography addiction like a dragon inside someone’s head. As long as it is fed, it remains monstrously alive. Starving it will cause it to wither. In the case of the child porn user, this “starving” means refraining not only from child porn viewing but also from underage fantasies - especially when combined with orgasm. Any fantasies associated with orgasm are “burned” into the brain, keeping the addictive dragon vitally alive. The experts agree that no one can recover from a compulsion to use child pornography if he continues to masturbate with mental images or sexual fantasies involving children!

The eighth step is A HEALTHY AND BALANCED LIFESTYLE WITH PROPER NUTRITION, EXERCISE, RELAXATION AND REST. A lifestyle that avoids “too many irons in the fire” reduces the risk of toxic stress. Good nutrition promotes neurochemical balance in the brain. And exercise, relaxation and rest ease the stresses that can trigger a relapse.

The ninth step is to CORRECT DISTORTED BELIEFS AND THOUGHTS. What we think determines, in large part, how we feel. How we think and feel determines how we behave. Thus, bad behaviors such as using child pornography are undergirded by distorted and unhealthy beliefs, thinking and feelings. If recovery is to take place, these must be identified and corrected. But the child porn user cannot do this on his own. He needs the help of others. The best help is provided in group therapy settings ­ directed by a qualified counselor who truly cares for his/her clients and who recognizes God’s healing power and grace.

The tenth step is to DAILY JOURNAL AND/OR SHARE PERSONAL FEELINGS. Addicts have learned to “stuff” their feelings, burying them by altering their brain chemistry. In recovery, the feelings come raging back: fear, loneliness, anger, etc. At first, it seems impossible to deal with them without “acting out.” But feelings can be dealt with. It’s vital to process them daily by writing them down in a journal and sharing them with others. Like it or not, recovery requires dealing with feelings. Over time, it gets easier. Life turns out to be much better when we accept its inevitable pains and work through them.

The eleventh step is DAILY PRAYER, MEDITATION AND RECOVERY READING (A.A. step #11). Prayer is necessary to maintain a close connection with God, who empowers recovery. God, for many sexual addicts, is a figure to be feared and distrusted. An important part of recovery is learning the wonderful news that God loves each of us, despite what we may have done. He is willing and eager to forgive, to aid us, and to enable us to recover. Daily meditation on scripture and other wisdom aids us in hearing the comfort and assurance of God. In addition, many good books are available to aid those desiring to recover from sexual and other addictions. For a list of recommended recovery books click here.

The twelfth step is REPLACING UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS WITH HEALTHY ONES, MEETING LEGITIMATE NEEDS (A.A. step #12). In the past, when you were lonely, you looked at pornography. Now when you’re lonely, you can connect with someone who is healthy for you. Before, when you were stressed or anxious, you masturbated with porn. Now you can go for a walk or read something humorous. And so on. You don’t need to neglect your needs when in recovery. What is needed is to find new and healthy things to replace the old and unhealthy things. And one of the best ways to help yourself recover is to help someone else recover.

For further information, click on the relevant heading below:

12-Step Recovery Organizations

Counseling and Treatment Centers

Finding a Therapist

Good Books

Recovery Retreats